I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
