everyone is single if you try hard enough
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
