I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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