She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
