He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Bring me that man meat
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Randomize
