Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
