If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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