What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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