he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
