you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
