just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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