am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
you had me at cake vodka
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
