I'm lost and stupid without you.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Randomize
