Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
