how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
