Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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