Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
