You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
