you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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