I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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