This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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