My liver just broke up with me...
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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