why didn't you poke me back
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
