Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
