I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Randomize
