Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
