Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
