I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
