btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
