Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
