What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
