matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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