I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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