Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
