Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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