Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
