i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Randomize