Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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