Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
