i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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