I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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