I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
