Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize