You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
