My friends, they love my intelligence
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
i've created a new STD.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
