if i can run in heels then i can drive
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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