we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
