You smell like stripper and shame
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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