bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize