Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
