Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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