God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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