aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
