Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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