Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
