guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
