Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Randomize
