the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
