I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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