i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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