the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I lost the right to judge tonight
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
