Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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