if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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