God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
