can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
