It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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