You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
